absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
You Might Also Like
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit