My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.