You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.