[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Basketball
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator