Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!