Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.