You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Life with a cat in one tweet
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.