I occasionally drink every single night.
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I was bored.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)