How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Well, this explains it:
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I don’t hate children, just yours.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure