I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
the three genders
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.