Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
hackers play passwordle
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”