My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.