Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
You Might Also Like
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.