I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Breaking news:
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails