my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.