Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.