Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: