Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.