I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
PARKOUR
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.