Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
*serious situation*
My brain:
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible