I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs