My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Carpe DM
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?