I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I hope google does well on my son’s test
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.