Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again