Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?