Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
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“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it