My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
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1.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.