There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR