Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
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Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like