bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You Might Also Like
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
when u come home smelling like another dog
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
plums roundup
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.