Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
what could possibly go wrong?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence