My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
You Might Also Like
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you