My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I’m giving up for Lent.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
peep davidson
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex