[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
it was love at first sight
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*