It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
pls suprot
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche