COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
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Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Bruh PLEASE
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows