im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.