It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
それは草
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.