That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.