[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
channeling her this year
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”