her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
asked my bf how work was today
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him