70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
#Caturday
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I cannot stop laughing at this
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits