Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You Might Also Like
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
finally
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?