Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest