I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
life finds a way
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Easy enough.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.