why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You Might Also Like
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
japanese corn
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work