🙁
You Might Also Like
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The sacred texts.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.