What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
You Might Also Like
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains