I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.