World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My brain is a bad influence on me
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.